"I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape. There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore. I am thawing."

There are things they forget to tell you about eating disorders.  Your treatment team, your parents, your friends remember to tell you the things they think are important: you might die, you are destroying your health, don’t you want to stay in college? you are more than a number, you can’t do this forever, you might go inpatient, look at what this has done to you. 

But they don’t remember to tell you the important details: that your eating disorder will create a barrier between you and the world, and one day you will look around you and realize you don’t feel connected to it anymore.  They forget to mention that you will lose sight of who you are beyond it, and you will start to see yourself only in the context of behaviors/weight/calories.  They don’t tell you - or maybe they don’t know - that you might stop living before your eating disorder kills you, because barely surviving each day doesn’t really count as living.

They tell you that you can overcome the disorder, but don’t mention that you can never forget what it felt like to be this deep into hell. They don’t tell you that it will transform you into someone you don’t recognize, and some day you might look in the mirror, and be unable to connect your present self to who you once were.  They don’t tell you that every day you spend like this, you forget to look at the sunset because you cannot lift your eyes from the ground.  They tell you it will deplete you of energy, but they don’t tell you what it feels like to be paralyzed by exhaustion.  They tell you it will take years from your life, but they don’t tell you that there will be years you watch float by without ever experiencing a moment of them.  They tell you that an eating disorder is horrible, but no one explains the true meaning of “horrible”: no one says, this will control your every waking moment, this will make your mind such a loud and dark place, this will be the nightmare you can’t just wake up from.  Fight it.

They don’t tell you that there is nothing romantic or poetic about this type of pain. That is what I’m telling you now: an eating disorder is just pain.  Don’t let it take over your life.

  1 year ago    574 notes    eating disorder  recovery  anorexia recovery  mine  

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    At the start, we never have any idea. Then it’s too late.
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    "…this will make your mind such a loud and dark place…"All truths.
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